In Vino Veritas
by Indian Summer 2378
Summary: While Voyager's crew is on shore leave, an alien beverage loosens Chakotay's tongue a little too much. Written for VAMB's Song Challenge 2019.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I wanted to write a funny Chakotay-gets-drunk story. It turned out, Chakotay isn't funny when he's drunk. At least not in this story. J/C, set somewhere early season three.**

**I wrote this story for VAMB's Song Challenge 2019. It's inspired by Coldplay's 'Trouble'.**

**Thanks to Koneia, for inventing the challenge, and KJaneway115, for the super fast beta. You are the best!  
**

**No copyright infringement intended.**

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The captain's quarters shone dimly in the light of the sandy-yellow planet Voyager was orbiting. There was soft music playing in the background and Kathryn sat on her comfortable chair, reading a book. She enjoyed the momentary solitude, most of the crew was on shore leave on the planet, and since Tuvok had the bridge, she had the evening all to herself.

Suddenly B'Elanna's voice cut through the peaceful atmosphere. "Torres to Janeway."

In an automatic move, Kathryn tapped her combadge. "Janeway here."

"Captain, I'm sorry to bother you, but I need your help on the planet."

B'Elanna sounded out of breath and Kathryn sat up. "What is wrong, Lieutenant?"

"I found Tom, Harry and Chakotay in a bar in the capital city. They are all drunk. _Really_ drunk."

If Kathryn didn't know B'Elanna better, she might think she was mistaken. Or perhaps playing a prank on her. Chakotay didn't drink. But B'Elanna wouldn't lie to her either.

There was loud noise in the background and Kathryn heard Tom talking unintelligibly.

"I have my hands full with Tom and Harry…"

"I'll be right there and take care of Chakotay," Kathryn finished B'Elanna's sentence. "Bring the other two back to the ship."

B'Elanna gave an exasperated sigh. "I'll try. Torres out."

Concerned, Kathryn got up and grabbed her uniform jacket. To get drunk was unlike Chakotay; in fact she had never seen him drink. It was something she liked about him, that he preferred to stay in control, just like she did.

The transporter chief had the coordinates and she arrived at the bar a couple of minutes later. It was dimly lit and smoke hung in the air.

Standing at the entrance, she glanced around. There was no sign of B'Elanna, Tom and Harry but she spotted Chakotay sitting at the bar. He was leaning onto it heavily, cradling a glass with a blue liquid and she frowned, concerned, at the sight of him. His shoulders hung and he seemed depressed and down-hearted.

Approaching him, she touched his shoulder softly.

His face lit up when he saw her. "Cap'n!" he greeted her, clearly intoxicated. "Wha are you doin' here?"

His tongue seemed to feel very heavy and she had trouble understanding him.

"B'Elanna told me you were here. She thought I should get you out of here. I agree." She looked around. The bar was sticky and filthy and many members of various alien species huddled in dark corners.

"I'm not finished yet." He turned forward again.

Reluctantly, Kathryn sat on the stool next to him and made a mental note to disinfect her hands later and clean her uniform.

"What are you having?" She pointed at the glass in front of him.

He shrugged in an uncoordinated move. "Don' know… It's blue."

"I can see that."

She sniffed at the liquid and her head shot back. "It's strong."

Without a response, he raised the glass and her eyes got wide as he swallowed the remaining liquid in one gulp. He coughed and wiped his nose, placing the empty glass back on the bar.

"Let's get out of here, Chakotay," she said softly, laying a hand on his arm.

Now he nodded his agreement and looked at her with glassy eyes. "I'd follow you anywhere, Cap'n," he said earnestly.

Touched by his confidence in her, she paused momentarily and didn't react when he slid from his stool. His knees gave way and he tumbled and she jumped up and steadied him before he fell.

He was leaning onto her heavily, but she didn't mention it. "Come on. Let's go."

He wanted to be cooperative, but his body wasn't following his orders. He had trouble standing, not to mention getting one foot in front of the other. Slowly, and step by step, they had to walk towards the door. It was exhausting and she began to sweat and decided it was the best to call for a site-to-site transport to his quarters. The crew didn't need to see him in this condition and she didn't know if she could steady him any longer.

They made it out of the bar and Kathryn called for the transport. The beam confused Chakotay and he felt dizzy and held onto her tightly as the familiar space of his quarters appeared around them.

"Let's get you on the couch," she groaned under his weight when they were fully materialized.

Together they made it across the short distance and he slumped into the cushions.

Relaxing, she exhaled loudly and sat down next to him. "Ugh, if you want to do this more often, you should lose some weight," she teased him.

"I'm sorry, Cap'n," he said, sadly, and didn't look at her.

She frowned deeply. In the darkness of his quarters, his gloomy mood was omnipresent and it concerned her. "Chakotay, what is wrong with you?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"You don't expect me to believe that, do you? What is it? What happened tonight that you hung out in a bar with Tom and Harry and got drunk?"

His head hung even more and she might almost think that he had fallen asleep.

"I won't tell you," he said into the stillness.

"Why not?"

"Because I respect you too much."

Her eyes widened. "It has something to do with me?"

"No," he said at length.

She didn't believe him. Something must've happened. And somehow she was involved. "You can talk to me about anything," she told him softly.

He shook his head. "No."

"Of course you can. Just tell me what's on your mind."

She knew she was pressing the issue but to see her friend and first officer like this was hard for her.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

For the first time since they beamed to his quarters, he looked her in the eye. "You won't get mad?" he asked, sounding almost childlike.

"Of course not."

He took a deep breath but stopped before he had even said the first word and shook his head. "No. You're my cap'n and it would be wrong to tell you that I did it because I like you."

Her eyes got wide. "You got drunk because you like me?" she whispered, stunned.

"Yes," he nodded. "I like you very much. But don't worry, I understand why you're keeping me at distance and as long as you're my cap'n, I won't tell you that I love you."

Her breath caught in her throat. To hear the words, those words, coming out of his mouth shook her to the core and she sat there, immobile and speechless.

His clouded brain didn't register what he'd just said and he went on, oblivious to her reaction. "It wouldn't be app… appro… appropriate to tell you. And I'm fine with it. I really am. And you're never going to know how much it hurts me."

He whispered the last words and averted his gaze.

Tears came into her eyes, and no matter how much she wanted to say that everything was going to be all right and that she loved him too, she couldn't. She was still the captain, and Voyager and its crew came first.

His devastation spread onto her and she felt miserable. How could she not have noticed how sad he was? Was he really that good at hiding his sadness while being the faithful and loyal first officer she relied on?

She almost gave a bitter laugh. As if she was any better. Since they had returned from New Earth five months earlier, she had acted as if nothing had happened; as if everything was fine. The truth was, nothing was fine and deep inside she was hurting, too.

She didn't see a way to change that, though. She made the decision that stranded Voyager in the Delta Quadrant, and she was the one who had to bring crew and ship home. She couldn't let herself be distracted; couldn't make a home away from home or her desire to get back to Earth would diminish. That wouldn't be fair to the people who had loved ones in the Alpha Quadrant.

Like she did, she realized.

She hadn't thought of Mark in a while, and part of her hoped that he had moved on because, even though nothing could happen in the Delta Quadrant between her and Chakotay, she had. And just the thought of getting home to finally be with him, gave her the power to restlessly search for a way back.

She hoped it wouldn't take too long, she thought as she stole a glance at him. She couldn't look into his eyes without seeing a possible future together, and that was exhilarating and painful at the same time.

In that moment, his usual bright and awake eyes stared unfocused. The alcohol had taken over his system and she was sure he wouldn't remember anything of their conversation in the morning. She felt bad that she was glad about it, because then she didn't have to face a real conversation about their feelings and why she couldn't be with him in the Delta Quadrant.

Tired to the bone, he yawned.

"Come on," she said with more enthusiasm than she felt as she rose to her feet. "You should go to bed, sleeping on the couch won't help you feel any better."

He needed three attempts before he stood on his feet and with her help he made his way into the bedroom.

He lay on the bed and she dismissed the thought of undressing him and just took his shoes off. As she tucked him in, he fell asleep and she took the opportunity to study his face. The sadness had vanished and he was sleeping peacefully.

Touching his face softly, she leaned into him. "I love you, too," she whispered into his ear and she could almost believe he smiled in his sleep.

On her way out, she stopped in the doorway and took a last glance at him, feeling remorse and guilt.

He wouldn't remember, she told herself as she walked out of the door. He wouldn't remember.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn couldn't sleep. She lay in her bed and stared at the ceiling. The dim, yellow gleam of the planet started to bother her but it wasn't the reason she couldn't sleep. It was the events of earlier that night that kept her awake.

Her mind had been running in circles since she left Chakotay's quarters. How could she have not noticed how he felt? Was she that blind or did she simply not want to see it?

She didn't know.

What she did know was that now that she knew the truth, she couldn't dismiss it any longer. He was suffering because of her, and deep in her heart she came to the conclusion that she had to do something she had always refused to do. To talk about the undeniable attraction between them. Openly. Without ranks. Without restrictions. Just Kathryn and Chakotay.

If only it was that simple, she thought with a sigh and turned to lie on her side. Being the captain wasn't like wearing her uniform; she couldn't just put it aside. It would always influence her behavior, her decisions. There was no way around it while they were in the Delta Quadrant.

Still, she knew they had to talk about it, no matter whether he remembered their conversation in the morning, and no matter how disappointing the outcome. And the outcome would surely be disappointing. Deep feelings for each other or not, they couldn't be together while commanding Voyager and frankly, it was by her own choice. There was no Starfleet rule regarding the relationship between the captain and lower ranks, but she had her own rulebook and she stuck to it.

Suddenly she saw clearly. She had to tell him exactly that! He would understand. He always did. It was Chakotay she was thinking about, the most loyal, sensitive man she'd ever met.

A weight was lifted off her shoulders and she wished she could go to him now, but it wasn't the right time. He needed to sleep and wouldn't be able to follow a conversation anyway. She had to be patient. First thing in the morning would be soon enough.

With the decision made, she was finally able to sleep and when she woke in the morning, she decided to go to him before her shift started.

On her way to his quarters, she made a detour to sickbay to grab a hypospray. She thought he would need it and when she saw a particular pale Harry sitting on one of the biobed's, holding his stomach, she saw her assumption confirmed. Chakotay wouldn't feel much better.

The Doctor gave her the hyospray without asking questions. He merely raised his eyebrow and looked accusingly at Harry, whose bad conscience was written all over his face. Kathryn shook her head and smirked. She would talk to him and Tom later. No more excuses, no more delays. She had to come clean with Chakotay.

Leaving sickbay, she nervously played with the hypospray in her hands. She had no idea how to break the topic and how Chakotay would react.

Arriving at his quarters, she breathed deeply before pushing the chime. Nothing happened and she rang the chime again. It took a moment before the door opened and when she peeked into the darkened room she saw Chakotay leaning against the doorframe to his bedroom, flinching at the bright light in the corridor. His hair was tousled and he was still wearing the same clothes as the night before.

"Did I wake you?"

"Hm hm," he grumbled.

"How's your headache?"

He held his hand against his throbbing head. "Don't ask."

"I have something for you," she said, waving the hypospray, and took a step into his quarters.

The room darkened and he relaxed, relieved. "Thank you."

They walked over to his couch, sat down next to each other and she pressed the hypospray against his neck. "You'll feel better soon."

He closed his eyes, laid back his head and felt the hypospray doing its magic. After a few quiet moments, he cautiously opened one eye.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

He indeed felt better and sat up. "Yes. Ugh," he groaned and rubbed his face. "What happened last night?"

"You don't remember?"

"No."

The captain in her instantly pointed out that this was a perfect escape. But as his friend she couldn't stay silent. He deserved to know what had happened.

"I guess you do, since you knew I would need that." He pointed at the hypospray that she had placed on the table. "Would you please enlighten me?"

She felt his eyes on her and suddenly had second thoughts about her decision to come here.

"I do," she said, pushing her doubts aside as quickly as she could. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"That I took a sip of that drink Tom ordered for us. Then everything's a blur."

"I can imagine. It was strong."

"Too strong for me. How did I get home?"

"B'Elanna found you, Tom and Harry in the bar. She called me and I brought you back to Voyager."

"Thanks. I don't think I could've done it alone."

"Given the state you were in, doubtful."

"Was it that bad?"

"Worse. I've never seen you drunk before."

"It's because I usually don't drink."

She smiled at him. "That's something I like about you."

"I like to stay in control," he smiled back.

"Chakotay…" Her smile vanished and she looked at her hands in her lap. "There is more you need to know…"

"Oh?"

She looked him in the eye. "We had a conversation back on Voyager."

"A conversation? Was I even able to talk?" he joked.

She didn't laugh and he frowned, confused.

"Enough for me to understand you," she told him, hesitantly.

"Did I say something inappropriate?" he asked when she didn't go on.

"No, no," she reassured him quickly. "But you told me something I've refused to acknowledge for a long time now."

"What is it?" he asked, wary.

She looked into his brown eyes and took a deep breath. "Us."

His face fell and he rose with a start. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I shouldn't have done that."

"No, no, it was good that you did!"

"I was intoxicated…"

"You were on shore leave…"

"That's no excuse."

"Chakotay, I'm at fault here," she said with emphasis. "I refused to talk about it, and I realized that was a mistake. We should have talked a long time ago."

Slowly, he turned to look at her. "You're sure?"

"Yes." She breathed deeply and sank into the sofa. "And I think we should do it now."

His mouth suddenly dry, he merely nodded.

She needed a moment to gather her thoughts. "Chakotay, when I took my first assignment for Voyager, I never expected something like this to happen. And I don't mean getting stranded in the Delta Quadrant.

"From the moment we met there was something between us, something special, something deep. It was as exhilarating as it was terrifying. When it was clear that we were stuck in the Delta Quadrant, I did what I had to do. I pushed any thoughts about my feelings for you and the all-too obvious connection between us to the far back of my mind. Sometimes it was easier, sometimes harder. But I was always aware of it, and whenever I was close to giving in to the temptation, I told myself that I was engaged and, if we're sticking to the truth, I still am. But Mark is only an excuse." She looked at him, her eyes sad and disillusioned. "I am the captain and we can't be together while we're trying to get home. That's the truth. I gave this crew a promise, and Voyager will always come first. I need to stay focused. So I kept my mouth shut and pushed you away when you came too close. I didn't want to get your hopes up, and, to be honest, my own. That's why I talked myself into thinking it would be better to leave things unspoken. But after last night, I realized that not talking is even worse. I hurt you, and I'm sorry, but by hurting you, I hurt myself. I want you to know that."

He stood in front of the couch and stared into the eyes of his closest friend. She was sincere; meant every word she said. "Thanks for being honest with me," he said, overwhelmed.

"It was about time," she shrugged apologetically.

Still processing her words, he sat down next to her. "What did I tell you last night that you changed your mind and made you decide to talk about it?" he asked, softly.

A small smile came to her lips. "The question should be what you didn't tell me."

"Kathryn?"

"You told me that you like me. But you also said that you would never tell me that you love me as long as I am your captain."

"I told you that I won't tell you that I love you?" He couldn't help but smirk. That sounded like him.

"Yes." Her smile widened into a grin. "Is it true?" she had to ask.

"It is," he said earnestly. "You're the most important person in my life."

Touched, tears came into her eyes and she cupped his cheek with one hand. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"It's okay, Kathryn."

"No, it's not," she said and dropped her hand. "We should've talked about it a long time ago."

"I didn't say anything either. I didn't want to add to your burden."

"You're feelings are no burden," she made clear. "They're the reason why I keep going; the reason why I don't give up hope."

He smiled all over his face. "It's good to hear that, because sometimes it seems as if you don't feel the same."

"I do. That's why it was so hard to see you so sad and down-hearted last night."

He nodded thoughtfully. "I was sad and down-hearted."

"May I ask why? You didn't seem sad to me aboard Voyager."

"I wasn't. It was because of the necklace."

"Necklace?"

"Didn't I tell you?"

"No."

"I guess I had some self-control left in me then," he said, lightly, and they shared a much need laugh.

"Tell me about it."

Her curiosity didn't surprise him anymore and he settled into a comfortable position. "I saw it in the market in the capital city Kes told us about. There was a woman selling jewelry and my eyes fell on a necklace; a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and a gemstone in form of a teardrop. The saleswoman noticed me looking at it and took it into her hand to show it to me. The stone was well-crafted and transparent, but when light hit it, it shone in all colors of the rainbow. I was fascinated and she told me that those stones are rare in this sector, because of its material. According to her, it can get scratches but it doesn't shatter. I almost didn't believe her, the gem looks so delicate; so fragile."

"Sounds unique."

"I've never encountered anything like it." He looked down and smiled, sheepishly. "It reminded me of you."

Stunned, Kathryn opened her mouth to respond but Chakotay went on. "I told the saleswoman that I wanted to buy it and give to you as a gift. She said that you surely will love it and I agreed. Then she asked me if you are my wife and reality hit me like a punch in the stomach. We're colleagues, friends. Nothing more. To give you such a romantic gift would be highly inappropriate and put you in a difficult position.

"So you didn't buy it?"

He looked up and shook his head. "No. I stood there and didn't know what to say. Troubled, I stammered an apology and left the booth. While I walked around aimlessly, I tried to reason with myself, tried to tell myself that one day we'll be home and free. It didn't help. Then Tom and Harry came along and I went with them. I was weak. Of course, Tom found the oddest place on the whole planet and ordered the drinks. You know the rest…"

"I do," she nodded, absent-mindedly.

"Don't get me wrong, Kathryn," he said and got her attention. "I share your decision that we can't be together as long as we're trying to get home. Voyager should come first and we don't know what challenges are out there for us."

She looked him in the eye and smiled. "Thank you."

"It's the right thing to do."

"Sometimes I hate doing the right thing."

He laughed, quietly. "I know."

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Is that really how you see me? Unbreakable?"

"I think you know by now how I see you," he said with so much love and affection that it took her breath away and tears welled up in her eyes.

"How could I ever have been afraid of talking to you?" she asked, her voice trembling ever so slightly. "You are the kindest, most understanding man in the galaxy and I love you."

His face brightened like the sun. He'd never expected her to say that. "I love you, too."

His words were balm to her soul and drawn towards each other by an unseen force, they sought strength in the love they saw in each other's eyes.

When they were very close, she spoke, "You have no idea of how much I want to kiss you, but there are some barriers we shouldn't cross. It only would make it harder."

"Agreed."

Exchanging a sad smile, they put some space between them and the moment was gone.

"What'll happen now?" he asked. "How do we go on? Like nothing ever happened?"

"No", she shook her head. "We did that far too long. We should stay honest with each other."

"Okay."

"And we could see each other more, if you want."

"I want," he said quickly. "I want to spend time with you."

"What about a weekly dinner?" she suggested. "Only the two of us in my quarters. We could talk about ship's business as well as whatever comes to our minds."

"I'd like that."

"It's a date, then."

Smiling at each other, they grew quiet.

"I would've loved to see it," she said, wistfully.

"What?"

"The necklace." A gleam came into her eyes. "Do you think it's still there?"

"According to the price… I'd say yes," he grinned.

"Why don't we go there later and you can show it to me?"

"You're on duty today," he pointed out.

"Tuvok can take the bridge. There must be something good about being the captain," she added, playfully, but it had a bitter ring to it.

"I would love to show it to you."

"We could have breakfast in the mess hall before we beam to the surface."

"Sounds perfect."

She rose and walked to the door. Turning, she looked at him. "I'll pick you up in half an hour."

"I'll be ready…, _Cap'n_."

Shocked, she paused momentarily. "How…?"

His face broke into a grin and, laughing, she walked out of the door.

_The End_


End file.
